I need help. I really do..

MY life has fallen apart and I LOST MYSELF.I have officially lost myself

I have no feelings, no thoughts, no moral and no dreams. I cry everyday.. I’m mad everyday.

I hurt the one person who meant the world to me. The person who held my hand and guided me through everything last year. The person who knew me when no one did.. the one who stuck by me through being sick.

I’ve become an emotionless corpse of nothing. waiting for nothing.. wanting nothing.. thinking and dreaming of nothing

I am broken

I am empty

I am a nobody. and i lost u day by day til u left me

please come back. I’d change for u PLEASE i’d change for us.

please come back baby please

but sometimes i feel like i can’t take it. like im not actually a part of this family. i feel like im so ahead. like im so not into this.

im a fucking good girl. i keep my mouth shut. but on the inside i explode i fucking go ape shit on the inside. theres SO much i would say but choose not to because im so soft with everyones stupid feelings while rarely anyone is ever great with mine

i dont fucking get why he tried to control my life as if hes a fucking dad of some sort. calm ur fucking horses. ur not even close. before you fucking come worry bout my money, my food, my room, my weight, my school, go worry about fucking yours because im OKAY.

u know what? you fucking shut ur mouth before you ever think of talking shit bout my baby. he helped me throgh and he helps me through

but yet its always me against the world. when did everything change. when did everything become hard? i cant even point at a moment..

I love this kind of love

I thought that until him, no one has ever hurt me like she has.

but i was wrong cause you came right after her. you dressed as an angel when youre actually a horrible person. you say i tricked you but you tricked ME. you stick a dagger in my heart and you twist it. you twist it and you twist it and you twist it. you made me think i’m crazy I LOST MY MIND WHEN I WAS WITH YOU. you were so domineering. you were so controlling and you made me think i’m so wrong in everything i do. you made me feel SO bad. and you made me so angry. i punched walls. i kicked doors and i broke glass because of you. YOU lied to me! you had rules for me and you pulled me away from my life. my friends. myself. you BROKE ME and you spat on me when you pushed me down. you tell me you showed me love and you taught me how to love but you didn’t. you taught me what it feels like to feel like garbage, like shit. like nothing! you made me SICK. my heart hurt. LITERALLY. because of you! you gave me nightmares. you destroyed my dreams and you ripped my feelings away from me. you are not who i thought you were. you are not who i thought you were.  and suddenly you changed. i gave you EVERYTHING. i forgot about everyone and everything for YOU. i gave you my body and my soul. i gave you EVERYTHING i never gave anyone! and i trusted you! and I LET YOU trust me! i ad dreams for us. dreams that stretched into the future. i wanted your babies and i thought i knew you. i pulled you away from all the bad stuff around you. and you loved me for that. you trusted me and you let me bring you into my life. and you took and took and you and you took and you took. you took me. my life. my past away from me. you took my heart and my mind and my body. you took everything. you took my happiness too. 

but the you i fell in love with is NOT you. you turned out to be cold, heartless, rude and MEAN. SO SO SO SO mean. you pushed me down and you helped up again just to push me down AGAIN and AGAIN AND AGAIN and you spat on my face while i was down. you held everything i am against me! you crushed the thing i gave you first: my heart. you laughed at me when i was hurt and you turned into a horrible being. i thought i knew you. i believed you loved me. i believed you needed me and cared for me. i thought you would NEVER hurt me. but you did.  you hurt me so much

i truly believed in you. in us. i truly believed in everything we were but you rode me off like yesterday. you let me down. you broke me. you made my heart ache. you ruined. you took me as i am and you crushed me. you crushed me. you crushed me. you crushed me.

It hurts

but

at the same time, I got nothing in me to hurt because of you anymore

i feel like its done

our endless days are numbered

They say, the best people come in your life when you least expect it. I was depressed and my heart ached, and then you came. You taught me how to love and how important God was.

You had the answers to all my questions. I miss the way you told me bedtime stories on the phone. The hours we’ve spend texting about the most random things. I didn’t even notice how I fell in love with you. With every part of you. I fell in love with your hair, your brown eyes and your crooked smile.

I fell in love with the way you’ve let me sleep against your shoulder. I got used to you, used to everything. Everyone said I changed. In only three months. No one could ever do what you did and I love you for that.

I love you so bad that I can’t think of you without crying. It’s like my heart is exploding and screaming your name. Over and over again.

I love you so much that I would donate my kidney to you. Because a life without you is no love. Without you, my dearest,my love…there’s no me.

You’re the brightest of all. The sweetest of all. And still i’m waiting, craving for the moment you ask me to marry you. I guess that’s all I ever want. Marry you, share the same life, same bed, same house. To share with you is all I ever want to do. But even if the day won’t come, and you find love in someone else… please know that you’re the bluest sky.

Maybe God has other plans for both of us. Still I pray, each day, for us to get together someday.